#was it because its the only one ive played with cater... ill never tell

[sheepwater]

Playful land was definitely my favorite event hehe :)))

[irregulardiaryposts]

00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

so

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

[revivalrp]

GODDESS OF THE UNDERWORLD, SPRINGTIME, FLOWERS, AND VEGETATION.

You’ve inherited the Olympian’s ADAPTABILITY but also their CALCULATING WAYS.

NAME: Ophelia Mires

AGE: Thirty

OCCUPATION: Co-owner of the Botanical Garden and café Bloom

PLACE OF BIRTH: Larissa, Greece

GENDER & PRONOUNS: Cis Female & she/her

FACECLAIM: Phoebe Tonkin

ABILITY: PLANT MANIPULATION

They can create, shape and manipulate plants, including; wood, vines, plants, moss, and parts of the plants, such as leaves, seeds, roots, fruits and flowers. They can can cause plants to grow, move/attack or even rise from the soil. They can use their power for defence and support, though the ability may deal a series of offensive techniques on a target. They may be limited in areas without plants or areas without potential plant growth, how many plants they are able to control and for how long and distance, mass, precision, all depend upon of their knowledge, skill, and strength.

PLAYED BY LISA.

ABOUT: 

trigger warning: cancer

     I. Ophelia was born into a family of strong women, raised by her mother and grandmother after her father passed away long before she had a chance to remember him. She was smothered by love and affectionately called their princess, doted on in pretty dresses and plastic crowns. Pink was the predominant colour in her life along with all things glitter. She was too young to have a firm voice so she basked in the attention her twirling and dancing gave her. They managed to spoil her but still instilled a strength so fierce that no one could ever make her do or say anything she didn’t want to. They taught her to survive in a world where men were louder than women but because of them, no one would ever be able to rival her bite. 

    II. It was hard not to notice that there was a twinkle of sorrow in her mother’s eyes and even a ten year old could understand why. Her plan hadn’t been to raise Ophelia with her mother, she was supposed to make mistakes and complain about lack of sleep with her husband, figure it out together in a whirlwind of dirty diapers and temper tantrums. But she didn’t have that and Ophelia, who preferred anything but, let her mother continue to dress her in pink tulle in hopes that it would ease away a little of the sorrow. She knew, even as a child that there was strength in giving someone else control but there was only so much that she could give her before Ophelia had to find another outlet where she was in control.

   III. School became the place of control where she was in charge of her own choices and wants. She didn’t bother with cliques or attempted to fit in, it was school and it wouldn’t last forever. She knew better than to make petty enemies or believe she was a failure if she wasn’t at the top. Her control ran higher than fashion trends and school dances, she controlled her teachers. She was intelligent and could with ease achieve high grades on her own but school offered knowledge she didn’t need or want so she manipulated her way through when something didn’t suit her. If she didn’t want to work in a group, she would explain that she couldn’t concentrate with other people, tell them that she had social anxiety or come up with any other plausible excuse. School and life were both easier that way.

   IV. Once she graduated school things began to fall apart. Fights and screams, insults and silent treatments. Her mother wasn’t able to accept that her daughter wasn’t who she believed she had to be. Ophelia had grown tired of her mother’s excessive doting and endless projections. She could no longer give away control, even if it was to ease her poor mother’s heart. It didn’t take her long to realise that she had no other option to leave, they were both too stubborn to give in and they needed time apart. It was bordering on hostile before her grandmother gave her an allowance big enough for Ophelia to leave. She thought of buying herself an apartment but on a whim she bought herself a plane ticket to Brazil where she joined a project to help the environment in the Amazon rain forest.

   V. Something that was supposed to be a temporary adventure turned into a permanent stay, from weeks to months to years. Ophelia found a family and rose from a volunteer to a member of the conservation team, spending her time and effort into something that she could be proud of. She had never been particularly interested in helping others, not because she was rude or selfish, but because it hadn’t crossed her mind. Most of her life had been spent catering to her mother’s needs and school, attempting to juggle between who her mother wanted her to be and who she was. She was free once she left it all behind and could pour her heart and soul into something that mattered. It was happiness in its purest form but it all came to an abrupt end when her mother called to tell her that her grandmother was ill.

   VI. Ophelia returned home to learn that her grandmother’s cancer was too far gone and that there was nothing they could do but make sure that the days she had left were peaceful. She didn’t leave her side and did everything she asked for without an issue. It was only when she was asked to make peace with her mother and take her share of their business to keep her memory alive that Ophelia hesitated. It made her angry that her grandmother used guilt as a weapon while she lay on her deathbed. She didn’t want to leave her life behind to start anew with her estranged mother. All she wanted was to give the woman who helped raise her a good ending but in return she was backed into a corner where she either had to break her grandmother’s heart or sacrifice what she had built to honour a woman’s last wish.

   VII. It was with a reluctant mind that Ophelia later accepted the wishes of her grandmother although her plan had been to stay long enough to reconcile with her mother and ensure that she could run the business by herself. Life never did seem to work the way she wanted it to though. Time went on and eventually she didn’t feel obligated to stay but did it nonetheless. She isn’t sure why she did, but something inside told her that it was where she was supposed to be. It’s been three years since and while the relationship with her mother is still strained, they are better than they were before. Ophelia spends most time by herself in the gardens while tending to nature since her soul has always been tethered to it and her mother runs the café, it’s how they have been able to work together so far. But only the universe knows when Ophelia is ready to move on again and when it does, she won’t hesitate.

ABILITY OVERVIEW:

  I. Ophelia has always known that her green thumb was greener than normal since childhood but never thought anything of it. Her plants were always healthy and happy, strong and resilient. She would pretend that she was a fairy with magic in her fingertips and ran around with strawberry all over her cheeks since they never seemed to wither in her small greenhouse. It was magical and as a child, there’s nothing better than magic. 

   II. It wasn’t until her teenage years that she questioned it. She knew that some people were better than others when it came to gardening and keeping flowers alive but she was a little too good at it. Every plant and flower she owned thrived no matter the season and it wasn’t logical. She started her research soon after, diving into book after book but all she found was nonsense. It ranged from the mythology that ran in the water of her town to folktales from other parts of the world but in the end, it all came down to one word: power.

   III. Ophelia moved on from the silly notion of magic and power, and decided that she would rather spend her time in her garden regardless of her strange predicament. Over the years she seemed to not only accept her talents but the persistent word power started to ring true. She continued her research when the access to computers was easier but always failed to find anything plausible. In the end she decided that she was blessed with magic and that the small fairy she had been as a child wasn’t far from the truth.

   IV. Her powers have always been stable and her only issue over the years has been to ensure that it was kept a secret, but three months ago she felt a surge of energy bursting inside. It didn’t mean anything at first and everything seemed normal until she planted a seed and watched it sprout up through the soil only a few minutes after she had given it water. It frightened her at first and for a good week she thought something was wrong with her, afraid that it would be fatal of some kind. She started to feel at ease as days passed by without an issue and after three weeks, her curiosity got the better of her.

    V. Ophelia is bright and knows that there is something going on with her but she can’t help but play with her newfound strength. She tests her boundaries daily without fail, finds a new experiment to conduct an hour after she finished her last one and basks in what she seems to be able to do now. It’s more than healthy flowers, the boundaries seems limitless now and while it should scare her, Ophelia only finds thrill in the endless possibilities. She is sure that it’ll come back and bite her but in the meantime she’s exploring and has decided that she’ll cross whatever awful bridge when it comes to it. 

[monsterloveday]

Dyslexic Brain Says No.

Being Dyslexic is shit- I cant even fooking spell it. You don't understand your brain. Your brain doesn't understand you. But you have to put up with each other for life, like a married couple that hate each other but will never get divorced. You don't know how to make your dyslexia more manageable. Other Dyslexics don't understand your type of dyslexia. You don't know how to help teachers / trainers to help you learn better. Places of education can label you with the title but also don't know how to actually help you with it - nor do they care. (*Throws free books at you and runs*... erm, I cant read it?)

Don't even get me started on pretty much every work place Ive been in. (Oh whats that your dyslexic?, whatever attention seeker! excuses!, excuses!, now go and learn the job in two seconds flat as we teach things in one way only and if you don't get it straight away you're a dumbass and we may consider getting rid of you!). Its become such a fear that no work place will tolerate how slow I am at learning, I am becoming slower and they are becoming less patient, but I need money to live so this is quite daunting and I have no idea where I will end up because of it (perhaps cleaning up poo or something that requires nothing that is remotely challenging). It plays on your mind in every job you have and starting a new job is no doubt one of the scariest experiences for me because of the D word. I wish people actually knew what its like having this unreliable type of brain. I forget everything...no - EVERYTHING. I would love SO much to try and teach the ‘Normal world folk’ how to do creative shit in the same methods they do and then have lots of things to say about them when they cant do it.  Put simply - its just not fair and it's annoying as shit.

It's the attitude ‘It's no one else’s problem’, so not much patience, tolerance or effort to research it / understand it takes place, and this in itself makes the problem bigger because its like there is a division, the ‘normal people’ and the rest of us, and we don't understand each other - yet we still have to fit into their moulds and methods and we’d better be good at it!. (eeek). But our Dyslexic brains just cant work like that. It's a lot of pressure and anxiety I tell you! It just annoys me that we are made to feel like we are stupid, when this is an actual learning difficulty and is REAL. It's not just something we make up, it is an actual issue with our brains and its hard. We have to begrudgingly accept that things are just much harder and slower for us and we have to always carry that burden and hope some good soul out there will also have the same out look and are kind enough to put up with us when learning something new. Doesn't really seem a fair situation. You have to have humour about it though... I am currently learning how to drive. My instructor - the poor sod. XP I am taking fifty million years and ill probably be about 50 when I pass but this is the ways of a Dyslexic unfortunately. Instructor “Go Right at the round about” *Jay approaches roundabout and literally two seconds have passed*... “Where are we going again?” Instructor “Right” *Jay turns Left* *Jay learns something and by the next minute has forgotten it all* Instructor “Lets do some more Show Me Tell Me questions that I asked you last week” *Jays face is blank...”Ummm ...What?” Instructor “Get in the middle lane” Jay “THERES TOO MANY LINES THAT CROSS EACH OTHER!?!?! *Panics and leans closer to the windscreen asking which lane he means and ends up crossing three of them and most definitely goes in the wrong one* ...whoops. My Dyslexia (I have literally had to put a spelling check each and every time I have written that friking word) reminds me of that bit from the Simpsons where it shows the inside of Homers brain and its just some kind of cow and bird singing and dancing - this is exactly what its like if someone is trying to explain something to me but there is no visual to put it too, or perhaps are giving me directions, you may as well talk to the wall and I may as well keep dancing to the tune in my head. The information just wont go in and I will look brain dead!. However!, put a tune to it or a colour / visual - it will be locked in there. Cant everything be colour coded or said in rhymes? “Follow the purple lane and take the green exit to “Toads Road” - sorted! “Could you give me those directions said in rhyme to the tune of Bar Bar Black sheep please?” “These written instructions are all very nice but can you draw a picture or make a video of it instead?” “I know you given me literally three instructions but can you write them down for me please?....say it again?” “But which way is right if Im standing on the left??? *turns left to try and understand directions from every perspective*....what?. “Can you stop talking for just one second...just give me the information in the SMALLEST SHORTEST WAY OR MY BRAIN WILL CRY AND I WILL NEED TO CRY!!!!!” Its these types of things that are the reason we are not catered for in most work places! I guess if I don't even understand it how can I expect others too! XP I cant type anymore - I’ll draw you a picture or make an immature song up about it? Be back soon Jay Dyslexic Brained Monster.